Boomerangs

It has been quite some time since my last entry. About 5 months. It has been an incredulous, consuming, exhausting, emotionally challenging 5 months. And while I have felt like I have sunk down into the depths of my own personal tragedies embedded deep within my human psyche, I have been wonderfully grateful for the love and support that has surrounded me. And the many new things I am learning about myself and life.

For a woman, I have spent alot of time looking into mirrors. Dressing myself, applying makeup, primping, prepping, judging, admiring, admonishing, cherishing, and loathing. They always say that you never truly do know a person, and that there is always that deep mystery within. A galaxy, a universe, a whole world of something...this can be beyond religion, even spirituality. It can be just as simple as emergent behavior combined with the unknowns in our future, and the combination of all of our steps up until now. I am not truly a determinist, because I believe in free-will, however, I also do believe that things happen for a reason...that at any point, sometimes it is difficult for us to see the larger and deeper picture of ourselves and how we fit into the cosmos of our own inner worlds and the world in which we share with others.

I have learned that in the past 5 months, my mind can be both my ally and my enemy. Most recently, I have been slowly approaching my mostly silly and sometimes self-sabotaging mind with love and openness. There was a time before my slow slouching into adulthood that my mind was more of a place for curiosity and questioning. Exploring, adventurous, reveling in the things that existed around me. I remember feeling the joy of a toddler consciousness, feeling a child's personal gratitude for tactile sensations, visual perceptions, and anything that resembled candy. Perhaps, there is a time around there, that in the Eastern tradition of the term ego, our ego is our friend and not yet that wily, mangy, character scaring us into the submission of downward negative cycles. A child's ego is still in it's basic and most simple cravings of surviving, our lists of pleasures and pains is still very short as we experience life.

Our faces and our bodies change as we watch ourselves grow in the mirror, and depending what choices we made in life, and all the circumstances we may not have been able to predict; we begin to experience things in our lives that cause greater pains and yet greater pleasures...most of the time we experience pain as loss of some pleasure. And, our minds keep track for us, mostly because our mind wants to protect us. Our minds combined with its evolving ego, now beginning to find and feel other things in the world as "candy", begins to activate in ways that we sometimes are unaware of.

My own personal focus has been on my heart. Between my crazy ass mind, and my even crazier mother-fucking ego, my heart has been the negotiator between the two. I have found that when I focus on love or, the term used in Buddhism, "lovingkindness", it seems to ignite a calm within me and a wisdom that helps me slice through whatever delusions my mind/ego has creatively conjured up. And breaking down the delusions of our experiences, I believe is the first steps into revealing our truth.

I have always silently felt proud of my own ability for tolerance and unconditional love. However, I have recognized my constant yearning to be loved back unconditionally, to be tolerated for all that I am, as well. This sending out from within me, has been merely an intentional boomerang. I send it out, for the purpose, for the hope, for my desperate ego's desire to "feel" it back. To get it back. And what happens when the boomerang fails?

In meditation, if I can slowly move away from where my thoughts and personal attachments are to both pain and pleasure, and focus within my heart. I find a deep compassion for not only myself, but everyone around me. I begin to see and feel that we all boomerang, that everyone wants to so desperately feel that same love, that same sense of the unconditional. That everyone looks in the mirror, and still sometimes fail to see so beyond just that. That it is merely a reflection, a representation, also part of our delusion at times. When I feel that within myself, when I recognize that my face, my life, my longings are just the same as any others, I am moved beyond myself to something greater. And, I am more moved to just send love because it just needs to be given.